6. Love and Marriage

6. Love and Marriage:

            There is nothing as exhilarating as romantic love. Well, maybe crack, but I have yet to try that.  They both have something in common in their ability to bring as much joy as sorrow in its wake.  For all its pitfalls it preoccupies a large chunk of our social consciousness.  This idea of having a deep emotional bond of love with one’s spouse is, however, a recent phenomenon.  Even up to the 19^th century, most marriages in western societies were arranged based on financial or political gains for the families involved. In fact, most societies throughout history have been polygamous rather than monogamous.  But through these changes, one thing that has remained constant in most societies, that the males have been writing the rules and setting the societal norms on this subject for a very long time.

But before we delve into romantic love, we have to discuss how it differs from love in general – the type between mother and child, family members, and close friends.  The one difference that complicates romantic love versus all others is the question of fidelity, and more to the point, the lineage of the offspring.  The strategy of each sex in maximizing the chances of passing on one’s genes run counter to other.  Men have to two major challenges in terms of leaving behind their genes.  One is clearly access to women.  The other is to guarantee that the children they are investing their resources to, are indeed their lineage, and not a result of infidelity.  Infidelity becomes an important issue, because cheating can benefit both sexes greatly.    

On the woman’s side, pregnancy is a dangerous proposition indeed.  Any decision to mate can mean a heavy investment of her health and time.  Because of this, women have to choose their mates very wisely.  Since women only have a limited number of eggs (one released a month) compared to the sex cells of a man (millions produced daily), each coupling must be considered carefully.  Not only must women make sure a man will stick around and share his resources for her children – they must also consider how high ranking their child may be in status and sexual attractiveness.  The more successful their offspring are in propogation, the more assured their genes survive and pass on.  But whereas men’s strategy values quantity, for a woman’s evolutionary gain – stability seems more of a benefit.

            We now can guess why romantic love is so tenuous.  If you ask women, most would put the blame on men’s inability to remain faithful.  The reason I wouldn’t even bother asking men is because men set up the rules in the first place.  That’s right - men invented the “institution” of both romantic love and monogamist marriage. This seems contrary to our gut instincts – so let’s take a closer look.  

            Humans have oxytocin neurotransmitters flooding the brain to help us deeply connect with another being.  When a mother’s eyes stare into the eyes of her newborn, it is this chemical that seals the bond.  We can see the reasons why evolution set up this powerful tool.  For a relatively slow moving species with no remarkable physical characteristic for defense, cooperation and mutual support is indispensable. The reasons we Homo sapiens ran over the Neanderthals was due to the immense size of our villages, compared to groups of five Neanderthals scattered among caves.  We can see how the love of one’s tribe or nation is just an extended manifestation of that bond we have formed in our immediate families.  And yes, the life of a nation too, outlasts many a romance.  So when humans really want to, relationships and bonds can last.  But when it comes to romantic love, stability is not always the best strategy for winning the game of genetic competition. 

            If we accept the premise that until the later half of the 20^th century, men have dominated the legal and societal discourse in the vast majority of societies, then the idea doesn’t seem far fetched that the rules of romance have been developed to benefit men.  It is no wonder that so many more women then men have stories of heartbreak endured at the opposite sex’s hands.  Ironically though, women are the biggest stalwarts and defenders for the romantic visions of love encapsulated in fairy tales and romance novels.  It seems counter-intuitive that a concept seemingly desired by most women should be something that harms them, but this is not a rare phenomenon as we shall see.

            Let’s look at the unfortunate practice of female circumcision, which still occurs in some remote villages in Africa.  In this practice, mothers and grandmothers insist that it is better for a little girl to have her clitoris cut out – and it is the women who perform this act.  Clearly, however, this procedure benefits men.  The intention of the procedure is to control a woman’s sexual desires, so as to minimize the chances of losing one’s virginity, and later on, one’s faithfulness to a husband.  The greatest threat to men in the evolutionary race is mistakenly providing  resources to a child that is not his.  An unsafe procedure for girls with its risks of infection and possibly death has only upsides for men. 

            Female circumcision is an extreme example – but drives home the point that a fervent belief  defended by one group may have been created for the benefit of another.  Perhaps this is more common than we think.  If we analyze our own views on love and marriage within this perspective, we may be surprised how similar, if not in extremity, but in kind, our society is from those we judge as primitive.   Could it be then, that romantic love is the ultimate invisible chastity belt ever created?  Through the use of the double standard, women who have sex only for love are esteemed, and those who indulge solely for its pleasures – harlots.  While men cheat and play loose with their fidelity, they can be more assured that they have a faithful wife waiting at home who would refuse casual sex without the ties of love.

          Most people assume that monogamy is a far more equitable arrangement then polygamy.  Polygamy is viewed as a remnant of a bygone era where women are mere property to be hoarded by the few powerful men.  But monogamy’s actual benefit to women may be illusionary ones that don’t exactly pan out for women. 

              In Robert Wright’s the Moral Animal, he argues that women lost an evolutionary advantage when society transitioned from polygamy to monogamy.  He compares how men of various ranking  (say 1 to 1000 ) based on wealth of resources would mate with similarly ranked women in both types of societies.   Based on the historic inequalities between the sexes, the rankings would be determined for men based on power and those for women based on beauty. 

            Suppose polygamy was still the norm.  In that society, a man with a number one ranking (imagine Bill Gates) would have access to many women ranked in the upper echelon  ( say # 1 to 40 : the Victoria Secrets models – according to the superficial way men have traditionally ranked women).   But more importantly, from a woman’s perspective, the 40^th ranked female and her children have access to the resources of the #1 ranked man.  Granted that the attentions of the husband must be shared with 39 other women – there are benefits in sister wives when it comes to help in raising and caring for their young. 

            Now let’s see how the rankings work out in a monogamist society.  Theoretically, the highest ranked man will seek out the highest ranked female  ( #1 male with # 1 female : let’s think of a power couple like Brad and Angelina), and so on.  But a curious thing happens to every woman not ranked number 1 – they all get access to a lower ranked male then they would have had under polygamy.  Furthermore, the burden of raising the children and managing the expected duties of a female in their society all falls solely on the wife. 

            If the transition to monogamy did not benefit women, we have to ask how it benefitted men.  It seems odd to think that access to only one woman would ever be codified into law by a society run by men.    Isn’t it a cliché, the image of the man with cold feet – the commitment-phobe?  How often have we seen men look with longing at Hugh Heffner’s life and complain about being married?  According to Robert Wright, this seeming contradiction makes perfect sense.  Polygamy is great, but only for the top ranked men, the rest get screwed – or rather don’t.  If the most powerful men take all the available women, this leaves a majority of men with no access to reproduction – a drive so powerful, that its denial produces instability and violence in society.   This dangerous state of unrest is what brought about the compromise towards monogamy. 

            Evidence can seen today of how violence could ensue when reproduction is thwarted.  In China, seemingly random acts of violence perpetrated by men have spiked over the past several years.  In one instance, a man savagely attacked scores of children in a school yard with a knife, killing several and critically wounding others.  Such acts have of course been noted in many countries, but the sudden rise in incidence have raised some theories as to the cause.  The interesting combination of medical technology and China’s one child rule has had the curious effect of couples being able to choose a son over a daughter.  There are too few women, and too many men. 

            A curious fact about suicide bombers in the Iraq also illuminates this connection.  It is very difficult, even among extremist groups to find volunteers for suicide missions .  Apparently there is a certain North African town where a vast of the majority of recruits were found.  In this town, polygamy is very much well and alive, and many men find themselves without the resources to obtain a wife.  No wonder these potential weapons are promised with eternal heaven with scores of virgins to choose from. 

The best argument that monogamy may be a male centered institution could be found in societies where women hold a higher status than men.  There are very few societies throughout history where women actually hold the highest status in society, but the Mosuo people of the mountainous region in China is one.  Due to its very limited resources, women and their reproductive potential are much more valuable than men in this harsh agricultural landscape.  In this culture, the maternal matriarch holds the highest position in the family.  None of the males in the family are ever allowed to marry and leave the household.  Their job is to stay home and help rear the children of their sister’s offspring.  The men would actually be insulted if the child’s biological father would even try to take part in the child’s upbringing.

Only at night, are the Mosuo men allowed to leave their household to spend the night in a lover’s bed.  In the morning, however, the men must return to their own households.  The sight of men walking home in the morning dawn has given this practice the name of “walking marriage”.  Both men and women are allowed multiple lovers.  At a communal dance in the center of town, a woman can secretly invite a man to her bed that night by tickling the underside of his palm while hands are clasped during the dance.   

So the picture is far different it seems when women call the shots.  Perhaps this suggests that women are far better off challenging long established notions of what marriage and relationships mean.  Interestingly enough, women have been doing this more and more over the past few decades.  In the United States, the percentage of women who have decided not to marry have steadily increased.  Sweden leads all other countries in the number of single moms.   Even in Asian countries like Korea and Thailand– whose nuclear families have long had a stable and traditional influence on society, more women are opting out of marriage.  The multiple pressures of being a career woman, caretaker, wife, and the burden of caring for their aging parents have resulted in more women from declining marriage and children. 

Now a  bit about the poor plight of men in nature’s sexual strategizing.  One would think that since men had the luxury of running the ship for the past eons that all would be happiness and sunshine where marriage was concerned.   However, let us remember that what is prudent and beneficial for human adaptation often does not have happiness as its goal.  Although women fair far worse in this regard, men are miserable enough.   This is mainly due to two powerful drives that vie for the man’s mind, and depending on the day, each takes turns winning over the other.

One powerful drive is common to both sexes – the need for human connection.  Humans are emphatically social beings.  In fact, our brains are especially adapted to live in complex and large societies.  But modern society has removed the individual farther away from a connection to the public square and community.  To make matters worse, men have innate deficits in the ability to communicate deep feelings – which all humans need to share.  Men will talk plenty with their male friends, but mostly about sports, politics, shared hobbies – but it is mainly with their spouses that they let their guards down. I know that some women must be rolling on the floor laughing hysterically at this,”What!! That beer guzzling guy watching football for hours on end opens up to me?” Consider the statistic that married men live longer than single men.  Also consider that after divorce, it is men who in the majority of times, remarrires first.  

If it was indeed true that men are happier being single, then why is it that most men do commit, either in marriage or an exclusive relationship (or at least attempt  being exclusive)? 

            If this were the only drive in men when it comes to romance, women would be a lot happier – in fact, so would men.  Unfortunately for both - there exists in men that all too familiar drive to mate with as many different women as possible.   We have seen all too many examples of famous men who have lost both fortune and prominence due to wandering lust – from presidents to pastors. 

Even amongst single men, this tendency shows itself in the practice of serial monogamy – where men go from one relationship to the next.  This is probably why women came to view men as commitment phobes who keep delaying that walk down the aisle.  I do not envy women who desperately want to marry and wonder if their investment of years in dating  would lead to matrimony.  I don’t believe that most men intentionally seek to confound women by lying – although there are men who do.  It would be more accurate to say that the male mind lies to itself.  Nature has set up an arms race of lies and its detections. The guessing game between the sex’s on intent has become ever more subtle and complex. It is no wonder then, that the best liar is one who believes his own lie.  A man may indeed believe he is in love with a particular woman, but how easily it often fades in time.  I speculate, that more times than not, the reason for the breakup is not due to a drastic change in personality of the partner.  It is more likely the case, that the sexual attraction, which helped a man overlook other incompatibilities at first, decreases as time passes.  All of a sudden, the way the other chews their food and communicates becomes a point of contention.  People call this “falling” out of love. 

How sad it seems, that couples that have been together for decades, fall out of love and become strangers.  There is a problem when the criteria for romantic relationships do not change much from our teen years to middle age.  It is all too common that a couple, after years of joyful union abandon it all after a revelation of infidelity.  Two souls may be so compatible in interest, personality, and mutual fondness, but if the man or woman were to sleep with another, all of it becomes nullified. 

Of course, the solution to charting one’s course through the minefield that is love and marriage is not easy nor universal. Everyone has their unique point of view with their own moral and emotional boundaries.  The solutions may neither be simple or trouble free.  But as men and women adapt to constantly changing societies, perhaps happiness would be more realistic if we questioned age old assumptions of what romantic love truly means.  A great movie that illustrates the all too possessive nature of societal views on love can be see in the move, the Enlgish Patient.  Often times art can best open our minds to new discourse.  It is a beautiful movie that illustrates both the transformative and destructive nature of this all too human desire.